Recent reading and sharing of Titus 2:3-5 got me thinking about the needful duty of older women to teach younger women.
Titus 2:3-5 - the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.
Many times, it is much easier to just ignore something that needs to be said, even if we know that we should perhaps do something about it. It takes a lot of effort, thought and courage to reach out to others, guide and teach them. However, we know it is our responsibility and duty, so we need to learn how best to do it.
It is not easy to provide feedback or teach and guide in reality, especially if the older woman is not close to the younger woman. Even if you are a younger person, it is not easy to give comments to someone else as well.
How do we do so in a manner that shows our sincere concern and love which allows the recipient to accept it receptively? I have penned the 9 R tips that will hopefully be useful.
1. Build a good Relationship
It is much easier to approach the recipient if there is a closer bond. The recipient will have a higher chance of receiving feedback positively too.
Record important milestones and information they share with you in your phone notes under their names in your contacts. Sometimes you can add dates into your calendar or reminder list and your phone can notify you in time to pray for them or send them a message or call them.
When they confide in you, listen attentively and it is ok to not have a solution for everything. Sometimes, they just wish to have a listening ear. In order not to forget what they mention, and sound insincere or come across as not taking them seriously, try to note down some of those in your phone notes. Information like their jobs or their kids’ ages or names should not be repeatedly asked, it makes them feel you did not bother to listen or remember details about their lives.
2. Earn the Respect of others
People will listen and improve if they look up to you as a role model, an example they are willing to follow. If they respect you, they can take what you say without feeling hurt.
We need to hold ourselves to a high standard. That being said, we do not need to be too stressed over being infallible, we are all human. However, we should try our best to be a good example (1 Tim 4:12).
Give criticism in private, as far as possible. The recipient should not be worried about feeling embarrassed in front of others, and can focus better on your feedback if it has been done personally, face to face and not publicly.
3. Be Realistic with your advice
The one receiving feedback will need time to change her mindset or improve on something. Both heartless criticism and superficial praise are not edifying or useful. Perhaps a helpful way is to ask ourselves several questions before we dole out any advice.
Is it the right time to say something?
Is the change realistic?
Am I being reasonable?
Do I have rationale for my feedback? They will then be more understanding of the good intentions behind your feedback.
Give them actions they can take to improve. What are the next steps they can take? For example, instead of just saying they should not do it in a certain way, what other methods can they employ? Can you share realistic ideas they can work on and develop further?
4. Reassure them that support is always available and that everyone makes mistakes.
Let them feel you are rooting for them, with cards, messages or physical touch like hugs or a pat on the back.
In order to prevent them from dwelling on the negative aspects of the criticism, suggest alternative methods and offer support with prayers or quality time such as visits, outings or meals together.
5. Reflect and ask ourselves questions on how the comments are phrased
Will they sound distasteful or condescending?
Will there be misunderstanding/miscommunication?
Sometimes we struggle with our own competence --- who are we to tell others what to do? Am we any better?
After giving feedback, we can still reflect and improve in future.
For example, use “I” statements, like “I think there can be more …” This approach can reduce defensiveness.
Focus on the behaviour and not the person. This avoids personal assumptions and judgment.
6. Use genuine words that are Refreshing with honesty
The recipient will find it refreshing to have sincere and constructive criticism because usually, what we receive in daily life tends to be negative, sarcastic or harsh.
Remember that if they asked for your opinion, they would appreciate honesty, and shying away from that may not be protective. Instead, it may be a disservice to a developing Christian brother/ sister.
Use words that are clear, direct and specific which are easy to listen to and act upon.
Explain your comments diplomatically, so that they are constructive.
Maintain a friendly tone and reassuring body language.
Giving good feedback is a skill. We can consult others whom we think are good at this, and ask them if our criticism can be more helpful.
7. Do you Resonate with your recipient?
Try to understand the context of the deed. Are there reasons behind an action? Is there a story behind the words uttered?
Be empathetic about their circumstances or situation/ position.
Have a conversation while giving feedback. Do not be the only person talking. For example, you may provide feedback and ask “What do you think?”
Give them time to think and respond. Good feedback that is memorable is collaborative, where the recipient also has some say in the next course of action.
8. Recognize their efforts when they try to improve
Positive reinforcement goes a long way.
9. Likewise, be Receptive when others provide us with feedback
We need to also remind ourselves that we are human too and not perfect like Jesus. We also make mistakes and need to be humble enough to receive feedback. An active role in the church, or many years of experience being a Bible class teacher or a Christian does not mean we should be immune to being taught and guided.
Over the years, I have come to realise that when criticism is given out of love and is constructive and sincere, the bond between the recipient and critic can be further strengthened and they can grow closer and build trust. It is very rewarding indeed to be a good critic.